What are you doing to my heart, Lord?
There are no adequate words to describe the depth and rawness of emotion I feel. He has allowed a little girl to open the door of motherhood in my heart. This isn’t something I say lightly, but sincerely.
I’ve never felt this way about a child before. The connection is strong between us and in the moments spent hearing her story, I shared her pain and am now carrying it in my heart.
She has a tough story and has only been in the orphanage for two years. Her fourteen-year-old self has endured much pain and a lifetime of being told she wasn’t enough, through action and words. But in the time we’ve spent together, I’ve been able to speak truth and life over her – it’s just heartbreaking to know it’s probably the first time she’s heard these things.
I’ve tried to put myself in her position and can’t even come close. Our stories have collided through the guidance of the Holy Spirit and I’ve been able to encourage her very specifically, but I still can’t imagine the level of pain and brokenness she’s tucking away inside.
I really do believe I can feel it though. It’s as if God has transferred her pain to me. The depth of my aching heart is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I can’t even think about her without tearing up. I want her to know she’s loved. I want her to understand how beautiful and valuable she is. I want her to understand that she’s worth loving.
And while I have told her all of these things, I want her to “get it.” I see such great potential in her sweet, gentle spirit. I see the ability in her to ignite change and leave an imprint on the world. I believe she can impact the hearts and lives of many like she has mine.
Here’s the problem, though. I don’t know why the Lord is allowing me to feel so deeply about her, knowing I can’t bring her home or be with her daily. I can stay in contact with her and continue to love on her through my words, but to know I can’t give her a mama hug and tell her everything’s going to be alright, just about kills me. To have my heart broken and deeply aching yet know I can’t act upon these emotions seems like an impossible place to be.
However, I know God can make the impossible, possible. I know He’s working and stirring something major within me. I know my words to her can still be a powerful tool. But this new, raw mother’s heart for her is having a hard time facing this reality. It’s probably not going to be pretty when it’s time for me to leave here, but I know this isn’t a goodbye or the end to this story. I truly believe it’s a “see you later.”
So Lord, do what You wish with my heart, but please promise me she’ll always get to live in it.
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